September 30 - Rio Chama

As I start to wrap up my time out west and begin my journey back towards home, I have stopped at the Rio Chama Campground in northern New Mexico. This is a special place for me. First it is located in New Mexico. We lived here for six years and I will always have a fondness for this place. They call it the land of enchantment and it hooked me hard. I don't think it will ever let go. Nor do I want it to.

The second reason is that this particular place is where I spent part of my time while on a Vision Quest a little over two years ago, just before my cancer diagnosis. I believe that my time spent in these canyons is part of the reason I was able to deal with my disease in such a positive manner and mostly why I was able to receive it as the gift that it is. 

I know that it is hard for many people to understand and accept a life threatening disease as a gift, but it truly can be if you open yourself to it. Some people I have discussed this with get it and choose to grab life by the horns, like my good friend Suess Karlsson, author of a series of journals for living with cancer called Relentless Hope. How perfect are those words, relentless hope, for the way I choose to approach LIVING with cancer. 

So many people hear the words cancer and immediately feel like they have received a death sentence. Please don't feel like I am minimizing anyone's individual situation. This is an ugly disease and it kills many people. But the way in which you respond to your diagnosis can have a major affect on your length of life. More importantly it can have a drastic affect on your quality of life. So no matter what your diagnosis is don't just give in to the depressing statistics and automatically think your life is over. If I did, I probably wouldn't be here today to tell you that you too are allowed to LIVE with relentless hope. 

When I arrived last night in the dark, I turned off headlights as not to disturb other campers. I used my headlamp to find a campsite, and took the first one I found available, set up my tent and went to bed. I slept soooo good listening to the gently roaring river. 

When I awoke to the beautiful song of birds praising the morning light, I discovered I was in the same campsite I had been in two years ago. It was and still is the best of the dozen sites because it is the only one where the river is both visible and easily accessible. I moved my tent so I could wake to this amazing view. 

I spent the day hiking, picking sage, reading, playing music, writing and making jewelry. Life is good.

September 29 - Canyon of the Ancients and Mesa Verde

I woke at dawn, had some breakfast and headed off into Canyon of the Ancients. This is Bureau of Land Management property and is full of Cliff Dwellings and pueblo ruins but they are not published so you are on your own in trying to find them.

I again ran into the problem, that without binoculars, everything looks like it might be something here. I exhausted myself running up and down trying to find something, anything. The only thing I ran across was an area that just didn't feel natural to me and I began to wonder if ancient peoples had actually created what looked like a damned up area to trap water in.

After a few hours, I found myself getting upset. Why couldn't find a single ruin in this place that supposedly had thousands? I would have been happy with even the smallest of ruins. And then I stopped.

Why was I getting upset about this? Why couldn't I just enjoy the adventure of it, set in this wonderful landscape? What was really going on here? Did I think that I was special? That I SHOULD find something? That is was owed to me somehow? Was it a reaction to reading that most people would walk right by them without ever seeing them and thinking, "Hey, I'm not most people, so that doesn't apply to me."

What was it I was really looking for? In fact, why am I even on this journey? And then I began to sob and just let the emotions run out of me. I didn't try to sort them out or address them in any way. I just felt them.

I want to feel like I really lived before a I die.
I want to do something special in this world even if nobody else ever knows about it.
I am constantly conscious that I have cancer and fear that it will rear its ugly head again.
I am afraid to start any new long term goals because I feel like I've had to put my life on hold every time I felt like I was starting to move forward and gain some momentum toward something I wanted.
I constantly feel like I should be doing something but don't know what it is.
I am afraid of being successful because I will become overwhelmed and it will take all of the joy away and become a job.
I love good hard work, but I hate having a job.
I am simultaneously thankful and pissed off I have cancer.
I understand that having cancer in no way guarantees to shorten or extend my life anymore that the possibility of getting into a car wreck, getting some other life threatening disease or getting shot by some nut job, yet it is always in the back of my mind.
There is not a single day that goes I don't feel the lump in my breast or check my armpit for swollen lymph nodes, look at the dark circles under my eyes and wonder if my sinuses are acting up or is this a sign that my tumor markers are increasing.
I simultaneously feel surrounded by the most loving and supportive community and yet have a deep sense of being alone. This is not because of the cancer but stems from somewhere else and I am grateful for people who have recognized this in me, like Janet Weisberg for instance, because I at least know it is not all in my head.
I am not afraid of death but I am not ready to die.
I am not ready.
I
Am
NOT
Ready!!

Now before You begin to feel sad for me, please understand.

This is what the journey is about. This is why I came. Not to run around seeing National Parks. But this exploration. This rawness. It's exactly what I want. What I need.

So that being said, I hiked back to the car, had lunch and decided to move on. I didn't know where I was going at the moment, but as I drove I saw signs for Mesa Verde and decided I would see some Cliff Dwellings after all.

When I arrived all but one of the sights which required a Ranger guide was sold out but as it happens the one left was considered the "most adventurous". I had plenty of time before the guided tour, so I was able to meander around the park and enjoy the day.

  

  

When I arrived for the guided tour, it was lightly raining, but everyone was in good spirits despite the weather. We had to climb a 32 foot ladder, make our way through some very narrow passages, climb two more shorter ladders, and climb a very narrow stair up a 60 foot rock face. It was great fun and the Ranger was great.

  

    

  

Spruce Tree House was closed for the day. Still really cool to see from far away.

What a wonderful day full of wonder and mystery both inside and out. As it turns out, I discovered that these ancient people did in fact dam off waterways to collect and retain water for their use. So when it comes down to it, what I discovered was probably even harder to identify than a cliff dwelling or ruin. Yet another lesson to be thankful for the moment and to let go of preconceived notions of what should be. Off to Rio Chama Campground for a few days of camping.

September 29 - Canyon of the Ancients and Mesa Verde

I woke at dawn, had some breakfast and headed off into Canyon of the Ancients. This is Bureau of Land Management property and is full of Cliff Dwellings and pueblo ruins but they are not published so you are on your own in trying to find them.

I again ran into the problem, that without binoculars, everything looks like it might be something here. I exhausted myself running up and down trying to find something, anything. The only thing I ran across was an area that just didn't feel natural to me and I began to wonder if ancient peoples had actually created what looked like a damned up area to trap water in.

After a few hours, I found myself getting upset. Why couldn't find a single ruin in this place that supposedly had thousands? I would have been happy with even the smallest of ruins. And then I stopped.

Why was I getting upset about this? Why couldn't I just enjoy the adventure of it, set in this wonderful landscape? What was really going on here? Did I think that I was special? That I SHOULD find something? That is was owed to me somehow? Was it a reaction to reading that most people would walk right by them without ever seeing them and thinking, "Hey, I'm not most people, so that doesn't apply to me."

What was it I was really looking for? In fact, why am I even on this journey? And then I began to sob and just let the emotions run out of me. I didn't try to sort them out or address them in any way. I just felt them.

I want to feel like I really lived before a I die.
I want to do something special in this world even if nobody else ever knows about it.
I am constantly conscious that I have cancer and fear that it will rear its ugly head again.
I am afraid to start any new long term goals because I feel like I've had to put my life on hold every time I felt like I was starting to move forward and gain some momentum toward something I wanted.
I constantly feel like I should be doing something but don't know what it is.
I am afraid of being successful because I will become overwhelmed and it will take all of the joy away and become a job.
I love good hard work, but I hate having a job.
I am simultaneously thankful and pissed off I have cancer.
I understand that having cancer in no way guarantees to shorten or extend my life anymore that the possibility of getting into a car wreck, getting some other life threatening disease or getting shot by some nut job, yet it is always in the back of my mind.
There is not a single day that goes I don't feel the lump in my breast or check my armpit for swollen lymph nodes, look at the dark circles under my eyes and wonder if my sinuses are acting up or is this a sign that my tumor markers are increasing.
I simultaneously feel surrounded by the most loving and supportive community and yet have a deep sense of being alone. This is not because of the cancer but stems from somewhere else and I am grateful for people who have recognized this in me, like Janet Weisberg for instance, because I at least know it is not all in my head.
I am not afraid of death but I am not ready to die.
I am not ready.
I
Am
NOT
Ready!!

Now before You begin to feel sad for me, please understand.

This is what the journey is about. This is why I came. Not to run around seeing National Parks. But this exploration. This rawness. It's exactly what I want. What I need.

So that being said, I hiked back to the car, had lunch and decided to move on. I didn't know where I was going at the moment, but as I drove I saw signs for Mesa Verde and decided I would see some Cliff Dwellings after all.

When I arrived all but one of the sights which required a Ranger guide was sold out but as it happens the one left was considered the "most adventurous". I had plenty of time before the guided tour, so I was able to meander around the park and enjoy the day.

  

  

When I arrived for the guided tour, it was lightly raining, but everyone was in good spirits despite the weather. We had to climb a 32 foot ladder, make our way through some very narrow passages, climb two more shorter ladders, and climb a very narrow stair up a 60 foot rock face. It was great fun and the Ranger was great.

  

    

  

Spruce Tree House was closed for the day. Still really cool to see from far away.

What a wonderful day full of wonder and mystery both inside and out. As it turns out, I discovered that these ancient people did in fact dam off waterways to collect and retain water for their use. So when it comes down to it, what I discovered was probably even harder to identify than a cliff dwelling or ruin. Yet another lesson to be thankful for the moment and to let go of preconceived notions of what should be. Off to Rio Chama Campground for a few days of camping.

September 28 - Butler Wash

Kim ran across a blog by a guy who talked about a few areas to see Cliff Dwellings so I decided to check out one of the areas called Butler Wash. It took a bit to find because the signs for the area are posted up the dirt road rather than out on the main road. I drove down a bit and found a good place to park and possibly camp.

  

  

  

  

Binoculars would have been very helpful. There are many areas that look like they could be cliff dwellings, but you can't see whether there are any man-made structures within them unless you climb up to them. I climbed all over the place, but alas, I did not find a single ruin. I drove further down the road but could not find an area where I could actually drive down to a campsite. The roads were fairly smooth for the most part, but the brush in the middle of the path is just too high for my low rider. Still it was a beautiful area and well worth further exploration if I am out this way again.

On my way to my next destination I saw these ruins just off the side of the road. Go figure.

  

  

I drove to Canyon of the Ancients Trailhead, but it is already getting dark so I will sleep in the car and head out in the morning.

September 27 - Free Wifi my ass

After leaving Goosenecks I checked the weather and found that I was heading into heavy rains so I decided to check into a hotel which would again allow me to catch up on my blog.

HA!

Their wifi was down and never recovered. And as is typical in this part of the country, I had one bar of extended cell service, which means all I could really do is send a text, but nothing using any real data was going to happen.

Kim sent me a link to an area that has a lot of ancient cliff dwellings and other ruins that I was very near and was on my way to Canyon of the Ancients so I will check it out tomorrow.

September 26 - Monument Valley Navajo Tribal Park

I stopped at Monument Valley located in the Navajo Nation. The Nation owns over 17 million acres of land which encompasses the entire northeastern corner of Arizona and also stretches into Utah and New Mexico. This is just one of the parks that the Navajo Parks and Recreation manage. It is one of the most photographed places on earth and it is not any wonder why, although my pictures don't do it any justice at all. I stopped and spoke with one of the artisans who was selling jewelry for a bit and had a nice conversation.

  

 

  

  

On my way out I saw a bunch of horses grazing right off the highway.

 

And a stone formation called Mexican Hat.

Then made my way to Goosenecks State Park for lunch and a little rest.

It was a nice relaxing day. I am now on my way to Canyon of the Ancients.

September 25 - Two washes and one Grand Canyon

When I left Zion yesterday, I set out to go to Hackberry Canyon for some backpacking, but as I was driving along the fairly maintained Bureau of Land Management road, I came across a nice gentleman who informed me that the road was washed out ahead from the storm that had just passed through. He was in an SUV and could not get through and felt he would warn me, especially because of the type of car I was driving. I was very thankful for this.

Hackberry Canyon

So I headed back west toward the small town I had just passed through to see if I could get some kind of cellular or wifi signal so I could load up a map for my next stop. I intended to go to The Wave Trail, again for some backpacking. Once I got my map loaded I was off. I got there after dark so I thought I would drive to the trailhead and park for the night. As I drove again along a well maintained dirt road, I came suddenly to what looked like about a 6' drop. I saw another road that I thought might be another way around and started to go down it when I saw campers who looked like they were startled and in sleeping bags in what looked like the middle of the road. It was hard to see in the dark. I decided to go back to a campsite I had noticed just a bit down the road for the night and to try it again in the morning.

The Wave

The morning revealed yet another wash that had made the road untravel-able to my awesome low riding car. So I went back out to the main road and headed east until I could again find a signal and make a new plan. I ended up at the BLM Visitor center which was not yet open. I was able to use the restroom and ended up having a nice chat with another visitor. I ate some breakfast then took a look at my options. I had never been to the Grand Canyon, which was only about 3 hours away so I decided to go.

I went to the South Rim and started at the Desert View Tower, which is not a Native American structure but is interesting because it was designed in 1932 by Mary Colter one of the few female architects of her time.

  

  

The Grand Canyon is spectacular . It is dizzi-ing in its depth. When you think you see the bottom, you realize it goes down even further. Words and pictures will never reveal its truth. It is something one must experience.

  

  

I enjoyed my time in the park, took some short hikes, saw some other interesting things beside the canyon itself.

  

Then headed back to the tower for some sunset shots and to watch the stars come out.

  

  

It was late, the campground was full and I didn't feel like driving in the dark trying to find a place to camp outside the park, so I slept in the parking lot.