The Initial Diagnosis

I had the PET scan yesterday and I received my initial diagnosis this morning. Cancer in the breast, lungs, iliac bone and spine, and possibly lymph nodes. It has been an emotional rollercoaster.

My immediate reaction was I am not dying like this. I teach high school and decided it was probably not good for me or my students to stay. Luckily, I was on my planning period, so I was able to leave and there was time to find someone to sub.

I drove home and was contemplating not telling my partner until she got home, since she only worked until noon, but I knew she would not want me to wait. So began my afternoon of hard calls.

I went back and forth with feeling strong, ready to fight anything and crying and, of course, anger. Typical emotions in this circumstance. It is emotionally exhausting and at some point I just needed to shut off the phone and take a time out, so I allowed myself that.

My partner and I stopped by and spoke with the Physician’s Assistant I have been dealing with and I asked if there was a possibility even if very slim that this was not cancer. She said it was possible, but with the nodules, lesions, etc. being in so many different areas that it was unlikely. Yet, it felt like a glimmer of hope.

The next step is to get a biopsy of the breast to determine what type of cancer it might be so we know how to proceed with treatment. I personally have already started treatment. I am a firm believe in food and nature as a healer. I had heard of the Gerson Institute a few years ago and have always been intrigued at the work they do. Depending on the results of the biopsy, I will decide whether or not I will include traditional treatments in my approach to fighting this, but the Gerson Therapy will definitely be a priority for me.

So I have accepted that fighting cancer may be my path for the next several months, years, but when I am alone and still, a calm comes over me and I have this feeling that this diagnosis is not right and it doesn’t feel like denial, although maybe.

So I sit here tonight not clinging to but gently hoping that my original thought of a lung infection may still be correct and the other stuff is just a coincidence. I know, it’s a huge stretch, but if it’s going to happen, then I would be the person it would happen to. I tend to do weird and unusual. For example, when I had my knee surgery, the doctor thought it was a torn meniscus, but it turned out to be benign tumorous tissue and plaque build up which had to be removed.

So, perhaps for the first time in history, a human sits praying for a lung infection, because it sounds a lot better than the alternative. Either way,  I still maintain, that I will get through this and be better for it.