Friday, July 10, 2015

Tuesday's chemo journey

I began in the usual way of thanking the chemo drug for and accepting it's healing properties while rejecting it's toxic ones. I acknowledged its relationship with the yew tree, a sacred tree associated with regeneration and transformation. I apologized to the spirit of the tree for mans corruption of its medicine, but asked it to hold, protect and renew me. I imagined myself lying under it with its long arms reaching over and around me like a large cocoon. I laid there for a while and then "awoke" in my usual place of beginning a journey. 

I stand in an open field which overlooks a large field of tall purple flowers. To the right is a forest. Walking straight through the field of flowers takes me to a large rock formation which can be climbed or has a cave which takes me down to a beach. Today I walked into the field of flowers past the forest, turned right a direction that has never occurred to me before and began walking. 

It's always amazing walking through this field because you can actually walk through it. In reality you would never be able to simply walk through flowers this thick and tall without great effort. Or my down among them as I often do, but that is what is so wonderful about alternate reality. 

I walked for some time and the landscape began to change. The flowers began to lower and eventually become cloud like at ground level which slowly turned into a rolling mist. The ground became water which was so clear and smooth it was like glass. It was just deep enough for my feet to move through and the softest sand lay below. The sky became crystal clear blue with hints of warm sunlight. The kind of sky you only see in movies and visions. I had a great sense of peace. 

The sand came to an end and dropped off at a clear 90 degree angle below me, where it became open water. There was no pause in my step, I simply walked into it. I began to swim around in the style of the old TV show, the man from Atlantis. Fluid and one with the water. Amazingly my hair was long and flowed behind me as I swam but whenever I came up to breath, it would become short, and then long as soon as I submerged myself again. It felt like power and freedom which for some may feel at odds with one another but really are just two different expressions of the same energy, when in their true form. 

I began swimming with a blue whale. I have dreamt of them most, if not all of my life. Dolphins typically follow, and they did again today. As I swam along the enormous body of the whale, I received a one word message, which my chemo brain will not allow me to remember right this moment. Then he moved effortlessly off into the vastness of the ocean. 

Soon the Dolphins followed and swam all around me. I held their dorsal fin and glided through the water in a way I could never do on my own. Their message was to play and have fun. And to not be afraid of the water. This was both literal and figurative. I am not afraid of water per se, but I get weirded out by our beaches and rivers, etc. knowing they are not clean. 

The thought of being out in the open ocean is very intimidating. I have had dreams about it again for most of my life. I would often be out in a very small boat. In the middle of nowhere. This is where the whale would visit and gently overturn my boat. When I fell in I would become disoriented and panic. Over the years when I would plunge in, I learned to remain calm, let my body totally relax and feel which way it began to move as it floated back to the surface. Then I would know which direction to go. 

I was told not to be afraid. That I have a special relationship with water. It wasn't a call to go off and live by the ocean or become a sailor. It was more subtle and much deeper than that and I both understand it and realize there will be more to discover within it. 

Then a seal came and told me to eat more fish. The smaller the better. And the picture of his fish eating grin is still in my head. I don't really love fish, but I'll try. 

I swam around for some time frolicking with my flowing hair, then went up to my beach. It was sunset and a fire was lit. There was fish ready to be cooked over it. I lay in the last rays of the evening sun, when black panther came. He is often around but not seen, and when seen, he rarely speaks. Today would be different. He came right up and lay down next to me. I petted and loved on him. We rolled around gently wrestling and in my head I kept asking who are you? Who are you? Words would pop into my head but were immediately rejected. Then ancestor? Yes and no. Past life? Not totally in the past. So a part of me that runs through my generations? Then he turned into a woman I have also had dreams of in the past. 

A young African woman who did something that saved her village, but there was always some feeling of negativity around it. It was never a clear dream. More like flashes and feelings. She explained she had gone off alone in the middle of the night. She did not give details as to why but that it was forbidden. While out, she discovered there was harm moving toward her village. Again, no details, but she was able to get back in time to warn her people, who fled and were saved. So I asked which part of me are you? She replied the part that doesn't follow the rules of others. 

She changed back to the black panther and we again played and petted and eventually fell asleep together. Then I was awakened back into the "real" world, laughing out loud from being licked on my head. 

Thursday, July 2, 2015


The report from the brain MRI said my brain was unremarkable. THE NERVE!! Okay, okay, that's supposed to be a good thing. So no brain tumors. Yippee!! And the CT scan showed the tumor in the breast has shrunk by almost 1/3. Everything else remains stable. I do not see the oncologist until Tuesday but the reports are available to me online, so I would assume we will continue with the chemo as least for a bit longer. I am relieved that my brain is tumor free. I wasn't very worried, but thoughts did jump in there now and again. My dad had a brain tumor and seeing what that did to him was a little scary. Plus, I just don't need something else on my plate right now. I am blessed that overall I am still feeling really good and have very few effects from the chemo. I am thankful to have the summer off. I had hoped to do a little camping which typically is a time of grounding and reflection, but it is just too hot. The heat does not usually bother me, but with the chemo, I get tired pretty easily and I am more sensitive to the sun, so I will hold off for cooler weather. Soaking up the AC at home while working on some life plans and travels. I am also glad to be back in my own house after house/dog sitting. The dogs were fun, but I was anxious to get back to my own space and my projects. So I should have some new jewelry, among other things, finished by the end of the week. And a friend of a friend wants to record me singing some songs. So lots of fun stuff on the way. Better go have a smoothie so I can keep my energy up. But mostly just because they are yummy! I'll update after seeing the oncologist. And in the mean time try and heal from the hurtful words about my ABSOLUTELY REMARKABLE brain.